War is hell. Happy Hellidays are worse.
Staff Sergeant Ducker Carlson’s face screwed up with disgust as he surveyed his latest recruits. His tail, usually a smooth sleek line of feathers, fluffed as his eyes fell on the snivelling ducklings he’d been given charge of.
‘I am Staff Sergeant Ducker Carlson!! You are here in the quack of the morning you waddlers, because the goddam nation you love sent you here! None of you are even dry behind your ducking webs!! From now on, this here flocking army is your nest and I am the momma that laid you! Do you hear me??!
‘When you open your bills I just wanna hear one thing! SIR, YES SIR, SIR!!!!’
‘Sir, yes sir! Sir!’
‘You quack me up! To now you have been living it up on the down! Today you are finding out that there’s been a bill under your nose! And it is time to pay it!!’
‘Sir, yes sir! Sir!’
He turned, waited a moment for dramatic effect, and pointed his wing at an image on the wall behind him. His recruits eyes — except for the Surf Scoter were looking at the image. Maybe the Scoter was looking, they have totally white eyes; who can tell? Their eyes, maybe even the Scoter’s, softened at the sight of their duckling Savior. Who could tell?
Staff Sergeant Ducker Carlson roared: ‘For too long there has been a war on this! The holiday where all true Duck-kind celebrates the happiest time of the year. When we should keep the time holy and blessed! But there are many who want to ruin this time for us! This is why we take the battle to the enemy, in the War on Duckmas! Why??? I’ll tell you why you wise-quackers!
‘People who don’t believe in Duckmas? A celebration that transcends even democratic government? They are cold, hard killers who respect nothing. Many will perish because of them!! (1)
‘If a gingerbread man is not called a gingerbread man, but a gingerbread cookie, it’s bullying!! (2)
‘First they came for the trees, but I did not speak up. As I wasn’t a tree. But I am a useless lump of wood! (3)
‘Claymation is the preferred tool of our enemies, we must defend those holiday-themed versions of stories with our very lives! (4)
“Every time a supermarket checker or store clerk greets you with [‘Happy Holidays’] instead of ‘Merry Christmas,’ you have met another soldier in the War against Christmas.” (5)
‘If you happen to die because of a virus, and you could of avoided that virus by taking it a bit easier and maybe avoiding large gatherings — even if they were holiday themed — just for this year, you are a massive Commie bastid that wants everyone to die alone miserable and away from the love of their flock and Ducktape’ (6)
As his new recruits waddled in unison behind him, Ducker led them in the time-honoured chants of the Duck Army…..
‘I don’t know but it’s been spread,
A goose’s eggs are made of lead!
I can’t say but I’ve been told,
My momma’s eggs are made of gold!’
Images and IP Credits: Duck images : created by author using https://www.craiyon.com/ // Actual idiocy : supplied by Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson // Appallingly bad puns : supplied by author.
- https://www.mediamatters.org/tucker-carlson/war-christmas-segment-tucker-carlson-warns-not-believing-power-higher-government
- https://www.thedailybeast.com/fox-news-tammy-bruce-on-gingerbread-people-obviously-theyre-men/
- https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2021/12/09/tucker_carlson_war_on_christmas_has_escalated.html
- https://www.politico.com/dims4/default/8e4018d/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1280x720+0+0/resize/770x433!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fstatic.politico.com%2F49%2Fcc%2F214919684d91a9b3f83eddff9299%2Fchristmas-1.jpg
- OK, not Carlson (John Gibson in 2005) — but sheesh, these guys want to get up there, knock Christ off the Cross and get nailed up instead
- https://www.huffpost.com/entry/fox-news-war-on-christmas-coronavirus_n_5fc98b26c5b619bc4c319e7c — just shut the ever loving fuck up you goggle-eyed muppet!
